Why "instant chemistry" can mislead older women in dating

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Evolutionary biologist Mairi Macleod argues that the gut-level attraction many people call "instant chemistry" evolved to signal genetic fitness and dominance — traits that served survival in the distant past but are poor predictors of a happy, lasting relationship today. Research by psychologists Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel found that speed daters said personality mattered most when describing their ideal partner, but in actual meetings physical attraction drove their interest for both men and women, overriding stated preferences. Macleod notes this applies even to people well past childbearing age, because the evolved instincts don't update with circumstances.

Her practical guidance: trust gut discomfort as a genuine warning signal — if something feels "off," a man drops a sexist joke, or his manner shifts when challenged, those are worth heeding. But treat strong initial desire with more skepticism, because charisma and confidence can mask narcissism or emotional unavailability (what researchers call Dark Triad traits). Research also shows that attraction to someone's personality — their humor, kindness, and intelligence — tends to grow over time, meaning a "slow burn" that starts with warmth and shared values rather than fireworks often produces more durable connections.